I'm not one of the lucky ones. I don't like to think about it. I don't like to focus on the past but what if the past is my present,something I am reminded of everyday. We are all dealt a hand from God right? And this is the hand he dealt me, so what do I do? I deal with it as best as I can, even though my faith is broken, shattered into a million pieces. I will never be the same. I miss who I used to be. Carefree and vibrant, fun and loving. A young man with a sincere heart full of pure gold. Nowadays, I am all about school work, no room for games. "Fuck these niggas", that's my motto now. I'm about my paper now! I'm only concerned with me, myself and I.
The chills and cold sweat jolt me awake. It's been happening every night. At the same time, 12am. I look over on the left side of the bed expecting to see him, to smell his scent, to wait for him to say, “Bay lay back down”, but not anymore, not this time. I couldn't go back to sleep that night. 9am arrived and it was time for class.
I arrived late to my lecture class about societal views on blah blah and more blah.
"Mr Hill, I'm glad you decided to join us, your partner is sitting right next to you, he will fill you in on the group assignment," said Professor Maxwell.
I look to my right and there he was. The most conceited gay boy in the whole entire fucking college. It was mother-fucking Christopher Brown. His big know it all attitude irritated the hell out of me. And there he goes, smiling and winking at me. I straight faced his ass.
After class I proceeded to walk out.
"Slow down shawty, don't you want me to fill you in on our project," said Christopher.
"Not really,” I replied.
"Oh so it's true what they say, you really are a bitch," Christopher uttered.
I was definitely not expecting him to say that, It made me giggle.
"Listen Christopher, Chris baby, Chrissy girl, meet me at Starbucks on campus at 5pm and we can go over everything."
"Fine and I'm not a girl," Christopher proclaimed.
It was 5:30pm and Christopher was late. It had been a long day of classes and I wanted to head back to my apartment and rest. Christopher was 6'2 dark chocolate, with a bomb ass body,tattoos with dark brown eyes and silky jet black hair shaped into a Mohawk. He was extremely attractive, but none of those things mattered to me anymore. I’m over that he look good and he has a nice body phase. I'm only interested in my studies, point,blank, period. Christopher's looks will get him no where with me. Plus, I heard rumors of his running through boys at the college.
Here comes his dumb ass now I thought to myself.
"Sorry I'm late, I picked us up some snacks, Twizzlers, snickers, Reese cups. It's a peace treaty for earlier, I didn't mean the whole bitch comment," said Christopher.
I grabbed the Twizzlers. "It's all good, plus Twizzlers are my favorite."
We started to go over the project and to my surprise he's a very smart guy. We stayed there for about 2 hours discussing different ideas and our dislike of Professor Maxwell. Time just seemed to breeze by. Shockingly, I actually enjoyed his conversation.
"Next week your spot Saturday night, just because I'm going to be extremely busy and Saturday is when I am free,” said Christopher.
"I guess that'll be fine" I hesitantly replied.
"Cool,” Christopher said, with a warm friendly smile.
I didn't know why his ass wanted to meet at my apartment but whatever. The sooner we get this done, the sooner he will be out of my hair.
Saturday came around and Christopher showed up at my house with groceries. He had on black jogging pants, I couldn't help but to look down and sure enough my eyes landed right on his dick print. Bulging out, as if it were looking back at me. I started smiling, hoping he didn't catch me looking. I couldn't help but to not look at his dick. I quickly snapped out of it before my mind started wondering .
"Someone's happy to see me" said Christopher with a big smile on his face.
He had on a tight white shirt, showcasing his chocolate arms. All I saw was muscles. Again, I had to snap myself out of daydreaming about his large arms around me and those hands chocking me. YES! I said chocking me.
I was so baffled as to why he had groceries in his hands. I pointed at the groceries with a puzzled look on my face.
"We can make spaghetti together and I brought you some Twizzlers," Christopher said.
"Well I guess that's fine" I replied smiling back.I led Christopher to the kitchen and he began to cook. I assisted him taking instructions and of course giving my opinions. I haven't cooked with anyone since my ex, so this felt a little weird but I was enjoying this moment.
Christopher turned out to be quite an exceptional cook. I love a man that knows his way around the kitchen. Dinner was amazing, we laughed and enjoyed each others conversation. The wine he brought added a finishing touch, something I didn’t expect from him. We actually accomplished a lot, and come to find out we had more in common than I assumed.
After dinner, Christopher went to the bathroom, in search of medicine to feed his wine induced headache.
“My head hurts. Do you have any medicine?”
I quickly rushed him out the bathroom before he touched the medicine cabinet.
“I’m all out.”
I lead him to the couch to finish up our work. In the midst of our silence, Christopher leaned over and kissed me. His perfect soft brown lips engulfed mine. It was the best kiss I’ve ever had. Before letting myself slip, I pulled away. I couldn't believe he did that. I laughed uncomfortably.
“I’m sorry,” said Christopher.
I shook my head and smiled.
“I should be getting back home to check on my mother. She has cancer.”
My eyes widen with disbelief. Cancer! I couldn’t even imagine what he could be going through.
"Oh wow, She will get through this, we all have things we have to deal with" I said.
"I never share that with anybody, I put on this big facade and walk through campus like I don't have any care in the world, but Damien I do care and I believe God will get her through this.” Christopher replied. For a while I was just sleeping with different dudes to help mask the pain. That didn't help one bit, just caused more drama. I'm older and more mature now. I trust in the Lord every day and I know he will make a way. Well let me head on out of here and thanks for listening" Christopher replied as he walked out the door. I stopped him and gave him a long hug.
"Thank you for sharing that with me" I said.
The most charming smile flashed across his face as he disappeared into the night, shutting the door behind him. Was he different? Everything that I’d previously thought about Christopher, was it a lie? Momma always said never judge a book by its cover. He actually had a heart. The rest of the night, Christopher stayed on my mind. I thought about what a nice person he was and how he must have a lot to deal with concerning the care of his mother. Before I finally went to sleep, I said a prayer for Christopher and his mom. Prayer was something I didn’t do often anymore, but it felt just right for some reason.
Slowly but surely Christopher started making his way not only into my life but into my heart. He started to come over more and more, we started going out to eat, he even got me back in church, and because of Christopher I was rebuilding my relationship with the Lord. Christopher's enthusiasm for church reminded me of how I used to be, and in his eyes was only one answer to a problem. PRAYER. He made my heart feel things I vowed not to feel again. This could be the real Damien around Christopher, this could be the relationship I've always dreamed of. I tried to keep him at a friends length but we both knew what we felt was far beyond friendship. I was letting myself slip and he found the key to my heart. I just pray he's there to catch me.
Christopher's mother was in the hospital, she was getting worse and had been there for a few weeks so I really hadn't got the chance to talk to Christopher as much, and I completely understood. It was a cold winter night and all i could think about was Christopher. I wondered if he was okay and if his mother was making progress in her fight for life. I laid in the bed and listened as the rain hit the roof of my apartment. The rain always had a calming effect on me, but when the thunder begins to roll, I tuck my tail like a puppy and hid underneath the covers.
I decided to read the bible but I couldn't decide on what to read. I thought about Psalms since it's full of prayers. The same prayers I would read every morning to start my day, my favorite was Psalms 91st. A passage of healing and protection. I had just grabbed the bible and suddenly there was a knock at the door. The thunder clashed loudly and the flashes from the lightening kept me on edge. I peeked through the peep hole and it was Christopher. It was like my thoughts called him to my door step. I frantically opened the door, trying to get him out of the rain but it was too late and he was soaked. Once he entered the door he sat on the couch and broke down crying.
“I can’t deal with this shit anymore, Damien.” Christopher sobbed.
I held him close to my heart. I could feel his warm tear drops falling on my hand. I cradled him tight. I know he has been under so much pressure with college courses, and his mothers health.
"Don't cry, you need to get out of these clothes you’re so wet, you’re going to get sick.” I replied.
Candles filled the darkness all around my house. My grandma always said lights off when it’s lightening.
I walked into my bedroom to grab him an over sized shirt of mine and some basketball shorts. He followed me in the bedroom. I turned around and he started to take off his shirt, I sat on the bed and watched him as his wet muscles glistened in the candle light. He then took off his pants, and his briefs. I turned the other way. I could feel my dick throbbing, getting hard.
"You can look, It's all yours if you want it to be." Christopher said.
I slowly closed my thighs, trying to mask my erection. I handed him the shorts. He put them on, sat on the bed and before he could open his mouth...
“It's something I need to tell you.” I blurted out.
I felt my heart racing. I couldn't breath. I looked into his concerned eyes, I opened my mouth and nothing came out!
I looked away and the tears began to roll, I shook my head. I thought to myself, “I am in control of this situation. I don't care what he thinks.”
I looked him back in his eyes.
"Christopher I'm H...”
"...I.V. Positive, I know." Christopher replied.